intro.

This is my story. I hope by reading this you try to understand it, But keep in mind you will never understand it to the level i do.

Don't have sex until you're married. Being gay is wrong. Foul language is not for you. Drugs and alcohol are a no. What other people think of you does matter. What people see of you reflects what people think of us. The truth is, people desire to live in a world that revolves around the word "you." Everyone craves attention and affection. If this included fame and fortune maybe i wouldn't mind. But it doesn't. This is a different world. This is my world.

Those were the rules, no questions asked.

But what if i had questions. What if i broke the rules?

This was the world i grew up in without any input. This world was pushed upon me, whether i liked it or not, whether i could handle it or not. All eyes were on me.

This  is a world where imperfections are not allowed. A world were every minor mistake is judged, a world where deceivers are the majority. A difficult world to understand from the outside looking in. This is the world of a pastors daughter.

I cannot remember the last time i asked myself, "Would Jesus approve?" And i cant quit figure out if that bothers me. I was turning 18 in two weeks and no one knew who i really was. No media, reporters, or journalist were creating my image. No, I was able to create a false image for myself. Just like all the other impostors i was surrounded by daily. For me, it was too easy and far from easy all in one.

Its Friday night and the clock strikes 6. I should be at church already, one hour early to pray before service starts, just like my family who has done this for years. If my mother was in the car with me the christian radio would be on and i would quickly hide my desire to listen to something other, especially on a day like today. Today is the day i experienced my first heartbreak.

"This pain is only temporary and soon everything will be okay." is exactly what my father would say after he ask's "did you have sex with him?" to which i rapidly respond with fury caused by that question "NO." This was not a lie. I did not loose my virginity to this boy, but that did not lessen the pain of my broken heart. That question brought out anger because for once i wanted my father to take the pastor robe off. For one i wanted him to understand the tremendous amount of pain I was feeling and no prayer was going to take it away. I wanted him for one second to not care about the Christian rules but understand me. Understand the worst thing a teenage girl could encounter, i had just faced. Even though i felt all this in my heart i understood why my father decided to ask this question.

Three years ago i had a boyfriend. We were home alone on the couch. He did not have the same morals as me at the time but, despite my beliefs he pressured me to have anal with him. After about 2 hours of constant begging i caved and within 5 minutes my father walked through the door and i was caught. My heart was pounding so hard. A little piece of my world was shattered not because i was sorry for what i did but because i was sorry i got caught. I did feel guilty for committing that act, but the worst part was seeing the look on my fathers face. My fathers face shattered my heart. And to this day i have never experienced something as earth shattering as that look on my daddy's face. As the tears fell from my father eyes i quickly ran to him to tell him, "it's not what you think." But it was what he thought, i simply just couldn't admit it. Every part of me wanted to turn back the clock. I wanted this so bad i would say my faith in the possibility to rewind time was greater than the size of a mustard seed.

But this friday night my heart was aching and the last place i wanted to be was the place i had to be: church.

Church had everything i didn't want to encounter. The inability to express how i truly felt. The constant requirement to seem happy and pleased with god; which i was of neither. But worst of all, see the boy that broke my heart.

Now you might say "oh its just a heart break, no bid deal, it happens to the best of us." I must agree, it happens to the best of us, to most of us, but its in-ordinance mustn't allow us to forget the immense pain it causes.We will also never have the same amount of  pain. Because every story is different, the amount of pain varies from person to person. Besides, you don't know my story and even if you did you wouldn't understand it to the level i can.